Monday, 7 March 2011

SOCSunday: Where I remember Kat

Lately I've been thinking about my cousin, Kat. She was stillborn on November 20th, 2009. Her funeral was one of the saddest, if not the saddest, day of my life. I can't even comprehend how my Aunty Jen managed to keep going. You can read about her journey here.
My sister, T, is thinking about getting a tattoo with 'Kathryn' and a rose underneath it (Kat's middle name is (was?) Rose), and she put her idea to Facebook, where a 'friend' of hers was all, 'what's stillborn mean? lol'
Keep in mind this girl is 18.
And nobody wanted to answer her! Because it was offensive? How the HELL is staying 'she was stillborn. Her heart stopped beating before she was born' more offensive than, 'what's stillborn mean? lol'?!
I know Aunty Jen has struggled because there seems to be some sort of taboo on the topic of dead babies. Why is that? I have another aunty who has lost 3 babies, all before I was born, and I didn't know for years. Even when I was told it was in a whisper, and she was nowhere near us. What if she wanted to talk about it?

Little Kat was born. Not breathing, but still born. She existed. And somewhere, I believe she still exists. In roses, in butterflies, in the colour yellow. In memories and in hopes and in dreams. I wish she was still here. I wish all the babies who die before they even had a chance to live were still here, but I know that can't happen. I really wish all the grieving parents out there could talk about it openly. That can happen. It just means that everybody else has to open their minds, and stop being so insultingly ignorant.

That's my Stream of Consciousness with Fadra, link up and dump your brain for 5 minutes. No editing allowed. 



  1. Thank you sweetheart. You're beautiful, this is beautiful.

  2. I think it just needed to be said. And that girl's comment has been on my mind since it happened. And Kat deserves to be remembered and talked about :)

  3. Parents who have lost children often talk about how hard it is when people wont talks about it. I make a point of using the child's name and commenting on pictures of them because it matters. Like you writing this post matters.

  4. Absolutely it matters. I wish more people would talk about it. Death is hard to handle. The death of a child is impossible. Feeling like you can't talk about it when your child was born not breathing? That's incomprehensible.

  5. I think every parent handles their grief differently. I can't imagine going through 9 months of pregnancy, the waiting, the preparation, the excitement, for it all to be dashed in a moment. I would suffer so much devastation that I don't even know how I could/would talk about it. Yet a friend of mine had an emergency c-section at 23 weeks and the baby lived a day or so. It ended up breaking up her marriage and she still celebrates his birthday every year. It's all so tragic. I think sometimes people want to forget about the tragedy in the world.

  6. I lost a baby at just 7.5 weeks pregnant. And although some don't think that is such a big deal, it was to me. However I only wanted to talk about it with a few people. And even then in very limited amounts. I think everyone grieves in their own way.
    My husband however is a bit more old school and didn't feel he should tell anyone. I guess for him it was more of a taboo and for me it was like a death in the family that very few people even knew about.

  7. My Aunty was lucky in that she and her partner are absolutely amazing together and if anything, the grief brought them closer together.
    I don't think it's fair of people to always talk about the negative either. I just think if the grieving want to talk about it, people should be open to listening. If all you can offer is a shoulder to cry on, sometimes that helps take the edge off the pain.
    I have no idea how I would react if I was ever in that situation, but I'd hate to want to talk about my baby and have everyone acting like it didn't happen.