I Can't Understand

I didn't really expect to get this serious this early in my blog, but for me, this is a place for me to get all my thoughts and emotions out. Usually I am happier than this, but I'm running on 2 hours sleep in the past 24 hours, and have an 8 hour work day and a gym session to look forward to tonight, and this is just how I feel right now. This is my Stream of Consciousness Sunday Monday.


I couldn't sleep last night.

It started out because I was itchy and couldn't get comfortable, and then my memory did that thing it still sometimes does, where it replays all the crap and I can't seem to make it stop until I'm exhausted and left uncomprehending.

I don't know if I hate my mother. I do know that I hate a LOT of things she did, and allowed to happen. I know I don't love her. I know I don't understand her.

How do you shack up with a druggo when you have a 2 year old and another baby on the way?
How do you stay with him for 6 years, watching him smoke dope in front of the kids, watching him chat up skanks online, watching him waste all that non-existent money we had?

Maybe, mum, you don't know what I remember. But I was 8 by the time you left. I remember all too clearly.
I'm just thankful that my sisters don't. I'm thankful they don't have images of the fat, hairy man walking around naked, or in your lingerie. I'm not really sure what's worse.

Usually I am happy, I've moved on in my life, and most things seem to be falling into place, but sometimes my memory still runs away with me. And I can't love someone who let all that happen to her kids.

I can't

... Time's up.


This is my Stream of Consciousness, and while technically it's Monday for me, the link is still up on Fadra's site. Here's what you do: 
Set a timer for five minutes
Write. Everything that comes to mind, no editing, no proof-reading, just raw writing.
Post it, and add the SOC badge

My First Time

Blogging. What were you thinking?
So to start with, I thought I would let all you internet strangers get to know me a little too well with 100 things about me. Here goes:

I was nearly named Karen

As a kid, I was all teeth and eyebrows

I don’t want a career

I do want to be a mum. Badly.

I love my J more than I thought was possible

I am usually easily pleased

Summer is by far my favourite season

I’ve never seen snow

Calla lilies are my favourite flower

I prefer to wear silver over gold

I adore my sisters

I have a difficult relationship with my mother

I’ve known 3 significant father figures

I do not tan. I just burn and peel and stay white

I find it easy to grow my fingernails long

I’ve lived in 20 different houses and one caravan

I am glad that I’m Australian

I want a pet lizard. I even have my reptile license!

I also want a pet cat

Up until grade 11 I was nearly always the smartest one in the class

I love chocolate biscuits

I love Italian food

I love being outside but my crazy fear of birds and bugs and almost everything that flies has been known to keep me housebound for weeks at a time

I am just now learning how to drive and I think I’ll always suck at it

I have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio

I don’t have a lot of friends, but they’re the best

I really want a dishwasher

Generally speaking, 80s music was the best

I like discussing controversial topics

I am quite passionate

I nearly always dislike the ‘alpha male’ types

I have only ever slept with one person – and intend to keep it that way

I spent half of my life sure that I would become a solicitor.

I love to read

I have glasses for reading because I have the focus abilities of a 70 year old

I’ve never had a blood test

I like my eyelashes

I do not enjoy long walks on the beach

Scotch is my alcoholic beverage of choice

I only drink cola if it has scotch in it

I sleep a lot

I love my future in-laws

I used to be very thin

I talk a lot. And I enjoy it J

Bad spelling annoys me

It annoys me when people read Shakespearean wrong

I’ve known my best friend since I was about 7 months old

I respect people who can admit they’ve made a mistake

I like feeling big feelings

Eleven is my favourite number

I don’t like facial hair

I think I’m going to end up with red-headed twins one day

I spent the first 12ish years of my life being the shy quiet girl, and now I’m known as the loud one

I think alligators are my favourite animal

Dolls scare the crap out of me

I love stuffed animals

The smell of vanilla always makes me smile

The smell of coconut makes me gag

I hate avocado

I love broccoli

I can be quite affronting

I often write in sentence fragments

I’ve been called random, but I don’t think I am

I have little patience for people who create all their own problems

I am pretty judgemental, but am always willing to change my mind if given the chance

I have never done anything illegal

I am often untidy, but nearly always clean underneath the mess

I’m not the biggest fan of seafood

I love hearing everyone’s opinions, even (especially?) when they differ to mine

I HATE the ‘just because’ argument

I don’t like to swear, but I still do it. Usually unwittingly.

I have a boring job

When people say ‘graph’ with a short ‘a’ sound, I think of giraffes

I like every Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks movie I’ve seen, except the Toy Story series and Fantasia

I like wearing pretty bras and matching undies

I wish I had a bigger kitchen

I love love love Harry Potter

It scares me when I see my mother in me

I am nearly always much nicer behind people’s backs than to their faces

I don’t mind change

Mocha with marshmallows is my favourite sweet indulgence

I usually drink 2 litres of water a day

I think The Cure is the saddest movie in the world

Sometimes I love a big cry

I don’t like taking medication. Or doctors.

I’ve only ever really been hurt by people I’ve cared about

I don’t like stupid people. Silly, I can handle.

I’ve been ‘going to’ start a blog for about a year

I don’t like being wrong, but I do admit it (eventually) when I am

I can be very overprotective. Especially of my sisters

I am proud of myself for being a good person despite my upbringing

I’ve never been fit

I watch more TV than I want to

The day I saw Wicked was one of the best days of my life

Heights don’t bother me at all

I am a fairly open and honest person

I would much prefer to be hot than to be cold

I want more friends that are girls

I don’t like wearing make up

I don’t like the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting

If you don't hate me now that you know all of that, stay tuned.