I haven’t done a stream of consciousness in a while.
In fact, I haven’t blogged at all in a while.
I’ve been trying to fix things. I went to my doctor and she’s put me on a new pill that will help my skin and is also ‘mood neutral’, and on Thursday I’m meeting with a mental health nurse and she’s making me a plan where I see a shrink 6 times and it doesn’t cost me a billion dollars.
I’m nervous though. I don’t feel that messed up. Sure, I had a couple of bad weeks. But that was a while ago now. And doctors are scary. And if I start talking I’ll say EVERYTHING and who is ever ready to talk about every single shitty little fucked up thing that happened in their life.
I’m good at making a joke about it. Like, ‘oh yeah. Haha. I was anorexic for years but it’s funny because ...’ only it’s not really funny.
I don’t know how to go about fixing it all. It feels like the most I can do is get permission to feel like I do. Most of the time I think I do handle it all. I talk to J about how I feel, and I take 10 minutes out when I need it to just do nothing. So what the hell can they do?
But something needs to be done. I need the help.