No, J, That's Your *Uvula*

So, it's been a while...
Mostly I had too many ideas of what to write, and not enough decision-making thoughts to actually do it.
And then, I got sick.
On Thursday night I thought I maybe had a sore throat. So I took a lozenge and didn't think anything of it.
Then I woke up on Friday, and definitely had a sore throat, so I brought a whole pack of lozenges to work with me, but left my Nurofen at home (wise move, I know), and by about lunch time I was wincing every time I had to swallow. Even just to swallow WATER. So eating was not really an option.
I got home and told J I thought I had tonsillitis and should probably see a doctor. I asked him to look down my throat and see if my tonsils were swollen/red/unusual in any way.
He had a look and shrugged and said they were a bit red.
On Saturday morning I woke up and could barely even TURN MY HEAD because it hurt and I'm a sook, so J rang the doctor right on 9 o'clock while I was getting my eyebrows waxed and made me an appointment. The doctor said I might need to go to hospital and get a drip, 'just to get on top of it'.
But... I was so not okay with that. I do not like doctors. At all. Or needles. Or even taking medicine unless I KNOW I'm sick. So instead I was stuck with antibiotics and Panadeine Forte and anaesthetic throat gargle and Nurofen AND these numbing antibacterial lozenges.
So on Saturday, I think on a weight-for-weight basis the thing I ate the most of was tablets.
And they gave me HUGE tablets. When swallowing excess saliva hurts, a tablet that is 2cm long is not appealing.
Anyway, I was instructed to keep my liquids up, rest, and take pain meds every 2  hours, alternating between Panadeine Forte and Nurofen.
Haha.
Turns out my body can't handle that much Codeine, and I started vomiting.
Vomiting up past ridiculously swollen and pus-y and painful tonsils. Oh yeah, it was fun to be me on Saturday.
Anyway, I slowly got better from then on. I've slept a lot and drunk a lot of water and not done a lot else.
Although yesterday I made lasagne for the first time ever, and I didn't even use a recipe, and it was freaking delicious. It was absolutely the best first-meal-after-tonsillitis ever.
Also, I read 'Live to Tell' by Lisa Gardner and it was awesome, if you like reading kind of messed up stuff, like ... there's an 8 year old boy who constantly threatens/tries to kill his mother.
But it was really good! Between naps, I barely put it down!
So anyway, hopefully I stay on-the-mend and am back to my usual self soon.
OH YEAH! I forgot the point of the title.
On Saturday when I got home I had a look down my own throat, thanks to a mirror and a torch, and I don't know what J was on about, but they were not 'a bit red'.
So I got him to look again, and he said it kind of looked like I was growing teeth halfway down my throat.
I asked what he was looking at before then, and he thought your tonsils were 'the dangly bit'.
Hence, 'J, that's your *uvula*'
I apologise for my crappy story telling abilities.

SOCSunday: Where I remember Kat

Lately I've been thinking about my cousin, Kat. She was stillborn on November 20th, 2009. Her funeral was one of the saddest, if not the saddest, day of my life. I can't even comprehend how my Aunty Jen managed to keep going. You can read about her journey here.
My sister, T, is thinking about getting a tattoo with 'Kathryn' and a rose underneath it (Kat's middle name is (was?) Rose), and she put her idea to Facebook, where a 'friend' of hers was all, 'what's stillborn mean? lol'
Keep in mind this girl is 18.
And nobody wanted to answer her! Because it was offensive? How the HELL is staying 'she was stillborn. Her heart stopped beating before she was born' more offensive than, 'what's stillborn mean? lol'?!
I know Aunty Jen has struggled because there seems to be some sort of taboo on the topic of dead babies. Why is that? I have another aunty who has lost 3 babies, all before I was born, and I didn't know for years. Even when I was told it was in a whisper, and she was nowhere near us. What if she wanted to talk about it?

Little Kat was born. Not breathing, but still born. She existed. And somewhere, I believe she still exists. In roses, in butterflies, in the colour yellow. In memories and in hopes and in dreams. I wish she was still here. I wish all the babies who die before they even had a chance to live were still here, but I know that can't happen. I really wish all the grieving parents out there could talk about it openly. That can happen. It just means that everybody else has to open their minds, and stop being so insultingly ignorant.

That's my Stream of Consciousness with Fadra, link up and dump your brain for 5 minutes. No editing allowed. 

Black Forest Cheesecake

I'm linking up to Alli-n-son's Sweet Tooth Friday! :) 

I had never made this recipe before. In fact, it was the most complex recipe I've ever attempted. Partly because I'm a newbie to this cooking-for-pleasure thing, and partly because I usually prefer simple food. Steak and mashed potato cannot be overrated :) Anyway, this cheesecake worked out perfectly. Definitely sweet, but not so much that you have to blink twice and stare down at it to make sure it's really not just a spoonful of sugar you're sticking in your  mouth. J suggested I make it with a plain biscuit base, rather than the chocolate, because it was a bit rich for him, but then it wouldn't be black forest ;)

Ingredients:

250g plain, un-iced chocolate biscuits, finely crushed

125g melted butter

3tsp gelatine powder

1/2 cup water

250g softened cream cheese

3/4 cup caster sugar

300mL thickened cream

425g can pitted black cherries

1tbsp lemon juice

For The Topping

1tbsp cornflour

1tbsp caster sugar

1tbsp dark rum (optional)

NB: Never use light cream or light cream cheese, it doesn't set properly, although it will taste the same.

Method:

First, I had to make the biscuits into crumbs. Usually I would use a blender or food processor, but we have neither in the house! So back to wrapping them in a plastic bag, in a tea towel, and taking to it with a rolling pin. 

Melt the butter and pour into a bowl with the crumbs. Mix well.

Get a 20cm springform tin, and line the biscuit mixture on the bottom and sides. You don't need to grease it because of the butter in the base. Because I couldn't get the crumbs fine enough to stick together that well, I just had it on the base. Put this in the fridge for about 30 minutes or until set.

Sprinkle the gelatine over the water in a glass. Stand the glass in a saucepan of simmering water and stir until all the gelatine has dissolved. This actually cracked my glass, so if you have something a bit sturdier I would definitely use that.

In a bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and lemon juice. Keep beating until smooth and creamy, but don't overbeat it or the cheese will separate.

In another bowl, beat the cream until soft peaks form. This takes a while. Again, do not overbeat it.

Fold in the cream, cream cheese mixture and gelatine. I didn't get the mix very smooth, but the cheesecake worked well so I don't think it matters too much.

Drain the can of cherries, reserving 3/4 cup of the syrup for the topping.
Take the creamy mixture, and spread about 1/3 of it on the cheesecake base. Scatter about half the cherries over that. Repeat layers finishing with the creamcheese mixture on top. Refrigerate for several hours or until firm.

In a saucepan, mix the cherry syrup, cornflour and sugar. Keep stirring over low(ish) heat until the mixture boils and thickens. If you're using rum (I didn't), add this now. Allow to cool for 10 minutes.

Spread the cherry topping over the top of the cheesecake, swirling gently into the cheese. Refrigerate until set.

Now is a great time to get around to all that mess you made ...

And you're done! Enjoy your yummy, yummy black forest cheesecake

Things Are Coming Along Nicely

I've been whinging a lot lately (okay, for the past 2ish years) that I'm bored. That I have no hobbies. That I need more friends. That we always do whatever J wants to do... the list is practically endless.

And then I realised it's all MY fault. The universe doesn't hate me! I just wasn't doing anything.
While J is quite happy to get home from work and move from *his* spot on the lounge to the computer until he is ready to go to bed, I am not. I'm not happy sitting on the lounge for 3 or 4 hours watching TV that I don't even like. (Sorry to any Family Guy fans)

So on weekends I've been cooking. Yummy things. I'm pretty darn good at it too, if I do say so myself. Biscuits and cheesecake and more biscuits and the occasional awesomely decorated butter cake... and I've absolutely loved it. I love being able to get a bit messy and wear my awesome cupcake apron and I LOVE when I'm finished and J tries some and tells me it's awesome. Not to mention having some yummy cheesecake in the fridge for whenever I get a craving :)

A friend (let's call her C) and I also went to the gym. Now, I have never ever been a gym person. I was always last in races, I skipped every swimming carnival, and just sat on the terraces and cheered people on at Sports Carnival days; but I always used to be thin. Naturally.

Then I finished school and got a job and often a group of friends would just hit up Subway or Hungry Jack's for dinner. I also moved into J's parents' place which has a fully stocked walk in pantry and fridge all year 'round (and J's mum is a freaking amazing cook) and before I knew it, for someone who had never weighed more than 47kg, size 10 clothes were getting tighter. It was a struggle to get into my jeans. I started wearing tracksuit pants.

But now I go to the gym! C and I will be doing a Zumba class every Monday night, J and I will be going for at least an hour over the weekends, and I'm planning on going at least one other night during the week with C ... and it's awesome! Okay, so it's all starting. I've only actually gone to the gym twice, but I'm happy. Happier than I've been for the last year or so.

Also, because I have a lazy boring job I can manage my blog at work, and having this blog and actually working already! It's like a diary that anybody can read, which is oddly ... liberating? Let's go with that :)

Because I've been so happy the past week or so, J has also been happier, and more affectionate, which is always a good thing, and I think my slump is well and truly over. I'm happy. Things are falling into place, and for the moment, I couldn't be happier.

I Can't Understand

I didn't really expect to get this serious this early in my blog, but for me, this is a place for me to get all my thoughts and emotions out. Usually I am happier than this, but I'm running on 2 hours sleep in the past 24 hours, and have an 8 hour work day and a gym session to look forward to tonight, and this is just how I feel right now. This is my Stream of Consciousness Sunday Monday.


I couldn't sleep last night.

It started out because I was itchy and couldn't get comfortable, and then my memory did that thing it still sometimes does, where it replays all the crap and I can't seem to make it stop until I'm exhausted and left uncomprehending.

I don't know if I hate my mother. I do know that I hate a LOT of things she did, and allowed to happen. I know I don't love her. I know I don't understand her.

How do you shack up with a druggo when you have a 2 year old and another baby on the way?
How do you stay with him for 6 years, watching him smoke dope in front of the kids, watching him chat up skanks online, watching him waste all that non-existent money we had?

Maybe, mum, you don't know what I remember. But I was 8 by the time you left. I remember all too clearly.
I'm just thankful that my sisters don't. I'm thankful they don't have images of the fat, hairy man walking around naked, or in your lingerie. I'm not really sure what's worse.

Usually I am happy, I've moved on in my life, and most things seem to be falling into place, but sometimes my memory still runs away with me. And I can't love someone who let all that happen to her kids.

I can't

... Time's up.


This is my Stream of Consciousness, and while technically it's Monday for me, the link is still up on Fadra's site. Here's what you do: 
Set a timer for five minutes
Write. Everything that comes to mind, no editing, no proof-reading, just raw writing.
Post it, and add the SOC badge

My First Time

Blogging. What were you thinking?
So to start with, I thought I would let all you internet strangers get to know me a little too well with 100 things about me. Here goes:

I was nearly named Karen

As a kid, I was all teeth and eyebrows

I don’t want a career

I do want to be a mum. Badly.

I love my J more than I thought was possible

I am usually easily pleased

Summer is by far my favourite season

I’ve never seen snow

Calla lilies are my favourite flower

I prefer to wear silver over gold

I adore my sisters

I have a difficult relationship with my mother

I’ve known 3 significant father figures

I do not tan. I just burn and peel and stay white

I find it easy to grow my fingernails long

I’ve lived in 20 different houses and one caravan

I am glad that I’m Australian

I want a pet lizard. I even have my reptile license!

I also want a pet cat

Up until grade 11 I was nearly always the smartest one in the class

I love chocolate biscuits

I love Italian food

I love being outside but my crazy fear of birds and bugs and almost everything that flies has been known to keep me housebound for weeks at a time

I am just now learning how to drive and I think I’ll always suck at it

I have a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio

I don’t have a lot of friends, but they’re the best

I really want a dishwasher

Generally speaking, 80s music was the best

I like discussing controversial topics

I am quite passionate

I nearly always dislike the ‘alpha male’ types

I have only ever slept with one person – and intend to keep it that way

I spent half of my life sure that I would become a solicitor.

I love to read

I have glasses for reading because I have the focus abilities of a 70 year old

I’ve never had a blood test

I like my eyelashes

I do not enjoy long walks on the beach

Scotch is my alcoholic beverage of choice

I only drink cola if it has scotch in it

I sleep a lot

I love my future in-laws

I used to be very thin

I talk a lot. And I enjoy it J

Bad spelling annoys me

It annoys me when people read Shakespearean wrong

I’ve known my best friend since I was about 7 months old

I respect people who can admit they’ve made a mistake

I like feeling big feelings

Eleven is my favourite number

I don’t like facial hair

I think I’m going to end up with red-headed twins one day

I spent the first 12ish years of my life being the shy quiet girl, and now I’m known as the loud one

I think alligators are my favourite animal

Dolls scare the crap out of me

I love stuffed animals

The smell of vanilla always makes me smile

The smell of coconut makes me gag

I hate avocado

I love broccoli

I can be quite affronting

I often write in sentence fragments

I’ve been called random, but I don’t think I am

I have little patience for people who create all their own problems

I am pretty judgemental, but am always willing to change my mind if given the chance

I have never done anything illegal

I am often untidy, but nearly always clean underneath the mess

I’m not the biggest fan of seafood

I love hearing everyone’s opinions, even (especially?) when they differ to mine

I HATE the ‘just because’ argument

I don’t like to swear, but I still do it. Usually unwittingly.

I have a boring job

When people say ‘graph’ with a short ‘a’ sound, I think of giraffes

I like every Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks movie I’ve seen, except the Toy Story series and Fantasia

I like wearing pretty bras and matching undies

I wish I had a bigger kitchen

I love love love Harry Potter

It scares me when I see my mother in me

I am nearly always much nicer behind people’s backs than to their faces

I don’t mind change

Mocha with marshmallows is my favourite sweet indulgence

I usually drink 2 litres of water a day

I think The Cure is the saddest movie in the world

Sometimes I love a big cry

I don’t like taking medication. Or doctors.

I’ve only ever really been hurt by people I’ve cared about

I don’t like stupid people. Silly, I can handle.

I’ve been ‘going to’ start a blog for about a year

I don’t like being wrong, but I do admit it (eventually) when I am

I can be very overprotective. Especially of my sisters

I am proud of myself for being a good person despite my upbringing

I’ve never been fit

I watch more TV than I want to

The day I saw Wicked was one of the best days of my life

Heights don’t bother me at all

I am a fairly open and honest person

I would much prefer to be hot than to be cold

I want more friends that are girls

I don’t like wearing make up

I don’t like the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting

If you don't hate me now that you know all of that, stay tuned.