I haven’t done a stream of consciousness in a while.
In fact, I haven’t blogged at all in a while.
I’ve been trying to fix things. I went to my doctor and she’s put me on a new pill that will help my skin and is also ‘mood neutral’, and on Thursday I’m meeting with a mental health nurse and she’s making me a plan where I see a shrink 6 times and it doesn’t cost me a billion dollars.
I’m nervous though. I don’t feel that messed up. Sure, I had a couple of bad weeks. But that was a while ago now. And doctors are scary. And if I start talking I’ll say EVERYTHING and who is ever ready to talk about every single shitty little fucked up thing that happened in their life.
I’m good at making a joke about it. Like, ‘oh yeah. Haha. I was anorexic for years but it’s funny because ...’ only it’s not really funny.
I don’t know how to go about fixing it all. It feels like the most I can do is get permission to feel like I do. Most of the time I think I do handle it all. I talk to J about how I feel, and I take 10 minutes out when I need it to just do nothing. So what the hell can they do?
But something needs to be done. I need the help.
I don't think we can fix it all. We can just take one thing at a time and do our best. It's tough. I don't have any real advice other than to continue doing what you're doing and be open with others about how you are feeling and your needs.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can get the help you need and feel comfortable with talking instead of scared or uneasy. I think that sometimes though all we can do is handle it the best way we can in that moment!
ReplyDeleteComing from SOCS
I've learned - with therapy, meds, and 54 years of living - that
ReplyDelete1. talking helps, with the right person;
2. feelings are never wrong;
3. the past is over, the present is brief, and the future is a crap shoot;
4. what doesn't kill us can be used to grow and learn;
5. What works for me, works for me; You have to find what brings You peace.
Life is a challenge. Surviving can be a great joy.
Best thing I've learned from therapy:
ReplyDeleteIt's not about "the thing." It's about the skills you develop to cope with "the thing."